Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
