They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
