It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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