4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize