dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
