goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
