remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
