I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize