just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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