how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
