I accidentally had phone sex last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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