Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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