I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
