My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
