is your mom at the bar?
need another drink. this is the easiest way
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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