Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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