You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
