i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
