i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
