he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
