he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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