he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
