I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
