There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
