I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize