I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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