I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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