After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's rum buckets o'clock
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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