I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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