life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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