Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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