So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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