I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i need some magic done to my vagina
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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