Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
