a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize