you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
