Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
