We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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