I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize