i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
