we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
