New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
