No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
