i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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