rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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