wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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