the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I could make wine with my vomit
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
