you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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