So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
