I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
