I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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