I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
