Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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