Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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