Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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