i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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