Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize