my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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